How did you first get into the scene?

[Deleted]

I'm always curious how people find themselves in the swinging lifestyle.  If you were already married before you started how did you first decide to share your relationship with others?  Who first suggested it and how did it develop?

If you were single how did you start?  Did you find a willing group to take you in, or a partner in crime to start swinging with?  And if you are single and a swinger who is just starting a relationship with a "vanilla" partner, how did you broach the topic to him or her that you're a swinger?  I can imagine it going as something like, "Ummm...errr...by the way...I...ahhh...like to have sex with other people...but I still love you, baby!"

My experience started when a previous partner suggested we visit a swingers club.  We were in a more of a FWB relationship, so I was OK with it.  It mostly worked out well for both of us.  Although we did not have a real emotional attachment to each other there were occasional petty jealousies that popped up now and again which sometimes put a damper on things.  Overall we both had a great time in the lifestyle tough. 

I have not broached the subject with any vanilla partners that I've had since and I'm not sure how I would do it.

So I'm interested in how you started and how you introduced your partner to this lifestyle?

[jaykp454]

Excellent question! I look forward to hearing other's responses. Here is my story (not too proud of it):

I was married to my wife for five years before we started the divorce process (still in progress). At about the three year mark, I was miserable. I felt used and unappreciated. My wife had left to live with her mother while I was in and out to sea. We never had good conversations and I felt that she had to strain to have them with me. I decided that I was done and the marriage was a failure. I started to really have intense fantasies of being with a couple and I eventually went on Craigslist. After many failures to find a couple-no surprise-I eventually met with a man and had oral sex with him. I did it a few more times with other men over the next two months. I finally got together with a very attractive woman and a good looking guy. None of us knew each other and it was rather awkward.

A month later, my wife finally returned and as soon as I saw her and how much she had worked to prepare for my arrival from being out at sea, I felt awful. I knew I had made a huge mistake in thinking that the marriage was over. She instantly knew something was wrong. Later that week, she went through my cell phone while I was sleeping and saw the one text that I never deleted. The marriage was down the toilet from there.

Since then, I have been to marriage counseling, two psychiatrists, six social workers, two sexaholics anonymous groups, and this one weird group for men that are confused and think that their urges are evil (it was christian based). I still go to my psychiatrist on a weekly basis for other reasons. I have read mountains of books of people feeling shame and irresponsibility. All of this has brought me to where I am today. I am a bi-sexual man, but I am not sensually or physically attracted to men. I hope that makes sense. It is the best description of it.

In our last marriage counseling, my wife flat out said that she has no intention of making any changes for the marriage. I was done right there. After I told her I wanted a divorce, she immediately began listing all the things that she wanted in the split. To this day, she hasn't asked me why or if we can fix it. She got her three kids and financial support from me and she checked out.

I know so much more about myself now and I am no longer ashamed by it. I keep it discreet just because I do not want to deal with the idiots out there that are phobic--mostly at work. I know that it would effect my work environment. Unfortuntaly, almost everyone that I know is the people that I work with. I spend 60-80 hours a week on my ship. That's if we are in port. 24/7 underway (duh). I now know that any woman that I am going to be needs to be okay with this lifestyle. If she isn't, then I will be miserable again. If I could have multiple people...even a triad, I think that would make me very happy. I also need a little nerdiness in her as I am a huge nerd.

Edit:  I wanted to point out that there is quite a bit here that I am choosing to leave out for now, just because I don't feel like writing a novel at the moment.  My wife wanted some crazy things from me, like taking her last name, or demanding that I tell all of our friends and family what I had done.  She would be belligerent in public.  She one day turned around, in church, and told the ladies behind us to, "Shut the hell up!  You're fucking annoying!"  Both of our children have been shocked by electrical outlets while under her watch.  Her response was that "They will be fine."  The list goes on.  Also understand, I did marry her for some very great qualities.  She never turned down sex if asked.  She would try just about anything as long as it didn't involve other people.  She is incredibly intelligent (many times more than her own good).  Ya, that's all I can think about right now...

I am aware that many of you may have judgments about me from reading this, but this is what my life is.  If anyone wants to develop a relationship with me, they need to know this.  I will never hide anything from someone that I love ever again. 

[PolyWife]

Hub actually started with wanting to see me with another guy which believe it or not was hard to find. I played alone for a while then mfm threesome and then swinging. We talked about this stuff for a year before we even did anything. Hub left for overseas for a year and then we decided to open up. Ex-bf found me on a site intially we were going to swing with. His wife and my hub hit it off and we ended up in a quad. We were all friends but didn't swing or have sex all with each other. And feelings developed and we found ourselves in a poly relationship unintentionally. It was strange being in love with 2 people and having that be ok. It really was a mind fuck and took some getting used to and over the guilt that society puts on us about one man and one woman etc. There are ups and downs along the way as with anything. After bf and I split I found myself being ok with what was. I am open to another relationship that involves love along with everything else. I identify with poly b/c of that. I think we will eventually start swinging again and I will date when I feel like I am ready to get back out in the world lol.

As for talking about it and being honest about who you are in your life I think it's best to be honest but don't do it on the first date. If you feel it's someone you want to be with for a while and have a connection I wouldn't wait to long to bring it up. Of course you are going to have the reactions that you expect out of a lot of women and that is just the way it is. But atleast if you are honest they can't play the "I didn't know" card later on.

[Deleted]

Hi Poly. Thanks for your response.

Of course honesty is important, but you're right, it should not come on the first date. I also like being a nudist (when I can and when it does not offend anyone). I've found my partners are much more open to nudism if we talk about it casually and openly soon in a relationship. Most the women I have known are quite happy to sunbathe nude if given the chance. In Holland we had many opportunities to do this so it made it easier for my partners to accept that part of me.

[Deleted]

But swinging is a line that takes some thought and consideration, that's why I have trouble talking about this with my partners.

[PolyWife]

It does take a lot for women especially to be ok with sharing. A lot of it comes from insecurties and jealousy and the unknown. We are all afraid of the unknown to some degree. There is never a straight defined line for anyone and I bet the question is answered no more times than yes. But with progression I think it will get easier but like all things it takes time.

Jay no judgement here. We all have done things we can't take back. It's a lesson learned and you try to move on. That doesn't make it easier obviously but it's true. You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

[davendeb4fun]

When I'm starting to develop a relationship with another woman I had someone send me a file that lists all kinds of sexual pleasures and desires. It's is set up so that each of you list things you live to do and things you are curious about and things you won't do. Each of you fill in the boxes on your own copy. When you put the lists together you can just see where the boxes match up in the positive in common topics which may help break the ice .. I'll try and find it if I can.

[jaykp454]

That actually sounds kind of fun. Could stop a relationship really fast, though. But then again, if that's what happens, then the relationship was doomed anyway, in my opinion.